no_tellin's Xanga

faker then most

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:09:20 GMT

AH! alright, a friend of mine asked me one day in an email how i was doing. and at first i sent "im fine" back. then i sent ANOTHER email saying i WASN'T fine, and that i didn't like how he was using me. he only emailed, or called when he needed something and i pretty much call him a user. and i told him i was ok with helping him out, cause thats what friends do, but that i didn't appreciate the fact that he only ever talked to me when he needed me. i have had way to many friends over the years that were like that. and i never noticed it until someone pointed it out. so now i have begun to see it for myself. to recognize when im being used. and i was NOT about to willingly let someone use me again. when i really don't think i deserve that kind of treatment. i know everyone gets hurt, everyone gets used, and that sucks. but after i poured my heart out there and told him it really hurt me, i get the crap response. he pretty much acknowledged that i was mad ( oh and this email is sent back to me like 4 WEEKS after i sent him that email (( and he supposedly checks his email EVERY day according to him)) but past acknowledging that i was mad at him, nothing else. he pretty much tried to wait out my anger and hurt. thats really what the email sounded like to me, cause he was like " i hope ur not mad at me anymore" no "im sorry" or "i'll try to be a better friend" NOTHING! just waiting. and then tonight he got online and was talking to me. and i'll admit it, i acted childish and gave him small one or two word responses. and he FINALLY figured out that something was bothering me. and all of the sudden he cares. well i already told him once what was bothering me, and that didn't seem to make a hell of a difference to him. so why bother telling him again. and he cut me out of his life for a YEAR last year because of something someone ELSE did to him. so that just means he can cut me out, no reason why, just bye. and to be honest thats exactly what i want to do to him. but this time, there is no coming back. i cut him out for good. because i look back, and i realized that our WHOLE friendship has been like this. EVERYTHING is about HIM! ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! i don't think i have ever felt this kind of anger towards someone. this kind of hurt. this kind of frustration. EVERYTHING.... wow. it feels good to let it out. and i don't care that people will think im childish. cause to me, enough is ENOUGH! he is sooooo fake! everything that comes out of his mouth is tainted to me now. everything sounds fake, his fake concern, his fake friendship... that one hurts the most. that im nothing but a means to an end for him. jus a way to help him get to where he wants to be in life. maybe never even a real friend to him. whenever we talked in the past, it was about what was going on in his life. the one time, ONE TIME, i share my feelings i get pretty much ignored. this gives me absolutely no hope for the male population. cause it seems like its always guys that do this to me. i mean i do have one girl that i was friends with that did this to me for 12 years, well maybe like 11 or 10. but she moved away and when she comes home now, i don't do anything with her, i don't even really talk to her. i don't talk to her when she isn't home either. i make awful friends... i think i have 3 or 4 friends that...wait, maybe not even that many. where is the road out of this state? this country even maybe.

long distance "friend"

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 02:32:07 GMT

wow, i haven't been on here in a while. but i don't think anyone really uses it besides maybe 2 or 3 people. so i doubt anyone will read this, but thats fine. i just need to talk this out really. ok so, someone i have been friends with since we were kids has moved away to college. and thats fine, life changes and people get older yadda yadda yadda. i use to have a hard time letting people go, but i think i got a little better about it. well, my friend moves away and i knew way before she even left that the chances of us staying in contact were slim to none. so i didn't try calling her alot like the old me would have. (not really a new me either, just a...i guess u could say a little wiser me) and of course with the new state and new school and everything, she didn't call me either. until she came home for break. now i really just wanna make a clean break from this friendship, cause some people have been telling me that this friend is a user. and that its not worth the effort. and i agree now. looking back over the years, i see kinda what they are talking about. don't get me wrong, this girl is a sweet girl, and she is fun too. but she only called me to have something to do over break. and i dodged her at thanksgiving cause i was out of town pretty much the whole time she was home. but christmas is a LONG break, and there is no way i can avoid her then. and its not so much that i want to avoid her, just don't want to get caught back up into a friendship that will end when her break ends. so now i guess i need to decide if i should just tell her how i feel, i spare her feelings and hang out with her while she is here. but does the fact that i might hang out with her and then expect nothing after she goes back to school, well, does that make me a door mat? i don't know what i am going to do, but i do know this, there are other friends coming home too, and i know i will deffinately make time for them. lol, wal-mart will wish they had the light up frozen section when me and jen are done with it...( side note)

Friday, March 14, 2008

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:20:28 GMT

have you ever looks at the veins of a leaf? i mean really looked...studied the intricate design that is vibrant with life? the astounding colors they change into as seasons come and go? life seems to be like a leaf. ( stop laughing and hear me out). the veins of a leaf are like the different roads you can take in life. each road has a different outcome and a different purpose and sustain life, just like the leaf's veins. those roads lead to the change of season, where we change as people and the leaf changes color. when we are young, we are green with the inexperiences of life that someone our senior has already experienced and hopefully learned from. then as we get older we are figuring out where we fit and our purpose. so many different colors... that red that pops at the prime of your life when the world is just waiting for you to take a small piece and make it your own. you look outside yourself and notice that there are other people out there doing the same thing as you, living a life that is rich with flavor and sights and colors and noises that will ring in your ears the rest of your life, giving you direction to the next chapter in your book of adventure, of triumph, of sorrow, of love, of danger, of highs and lows. then life changes to that yellow that just looks warm and inviting. and life still has those ups and downs, but they are no longer mountains of change and valleys of unknown. they are children and stable jobs. some people's lives quickly turn that brown that soon withers the leafs and cast them to the ground. some people let it happen, others are caught up in things they think are important but in the long run just wear you down and give you something to regret as you look back and realize all the things you missed or that you didn't do but wanted so bad but never had time for. its all in how you view life. you can look at the yellow leaf and see bland color that no longer holds excitement, or you can see what others see...you can see the joys that will come and the sorrows and take them as they come, but then move on with life and start looking for that next surprise that will be a cherished memory that you will look back on with that feeling in your heart that lets you know that the good out weighs the bad. and now every day has something in it that will tickle your funny bone and let you know that the years ahead, while they might not be action pack, might be even better then the red splash of youth. because even in youth, there are challenges. some leafs slowly change to the brown and some just seem to race to the end and fall from the tree just to get crunched under the feet of the next person on their journey. and some turn a coco brown that just lets you know that the time is coming, but that your still enjoying the last few breezes that caress you. and now your children are grown and your with the ones you love most and teaching them what excitement lay ahead for them, giving them squeals of excite with the anticipation of that stage in life.
life should be something you can enjoy, but so many people just want it to go by quickly to get to the next best thing, not noticing the small joys that slip by with only a vague memory left that is quickly dismissed as unimportant. take those small joys and remember them too, because its those small ones that get you along to the big ones and if you remember the small ones, the time between the big and small doesn't seem so far apart and then its easier to get past the sorrows as well, because your buoyed on the memories that make others so much sweeter. God gave the small for a reason, learn to use them to make life as rich and colorful as the changing leafs seem to have mastered...

Monday, July 02, 2007

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 03:00:24 GMT

i haven't been on here in a while, and its changed a little. trying to keep up with myspace. now they have facebook to compete with. thats a bummer...

anyways, lately i have had the overwhelming urge to just get out of spartanburg!! and i know the reasons. reasons i wish didn't exsist. reasons i can't say. and u know, its not a big deal kinda thing. to me it is, but it won't effect anyone else...well, i take that back it would effect a few people if i left or if i just confronted the reason why i want to get out for a while. but very few. i have more the one reason. i can share a few, cause they don't include anyone. i just want to get out and go somewhere. when my family travels, we go to the same places. TN, or the beach. i want to go to a city. i want to experience a different pace of life. i would love to go to london, or paris, or china! it really doesn't matter. it doesn't have to be far away, it could be to NY, hawaii, texas, washington... just anywhere where life is different. different sites, atmosphere, pace of life, energy... i also want out to kind of educate myself on whats out there, not be so ignorant about how the world works. meet new people. i feel like im stuck in a rut ( i know its a cliche', but its true) at the same time im scared. scared that i will be overwhelmed, scared that what i find will change me, and not for the better. and a little scared that i just might not come back. don't get me wrong. im not some whiny kid wanting to get away from my parents. i love my family, even if we are a little messed up, and fight..lol... no family is perfect. if i left, i would probably want to take someone with me. but who? cause who wants to go on a road trip alone? and when would i go, where would the money come from? if i left after i got out of highschool, then i wouldn't be ready for college ( and i AM going to college!!) this summer is over almost. when i get out of college i would need to immediately get a job, pay off student loans, establish myself. ah, who im i kidding? im gonna go to college get a job, and then just live a normal life. i don't have the means to travel...i don't have the knowledge to know how to even go about getting somewhere and making the most of the visit. hotels, traveling arrangements...sites to see. i dunno what all there is to plan for even...i just needed to vent i guess. well, at least i finally put up a post. even if its pathetic.. : /

Friday, January 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 03:19:36 GMT

school has started again, and i have realized something. last semester, my english teacher makes us write a journal for everyday. nothing important, just what ever pops into our heads. and i just now realized how much i like that. the difference is, is that the journals are private. but i don't really care if people read this, obviously. but today was interesting. i didn't get my statistics class with two of my friends, instead i got algebra. which i don't really mind, but it still bothered me that they didn't consult me. but thats ok. i was worried about it next year because i would have had to take it, and then i would have been with a bunch of 10th graders. so alls well that ends well. my next class was film lit. and everyone has told me its so easy. well, the guy teaching it did not make it sound to fun, or easy. a lot of writing is what it sounds like to me. but i have my friend michele in there and so im good, we always have a good time. granted we get in trouble for talking, but its still fun. then i have wildlife bio. by the name u would think, boring. but the kids are so funny in there. thats going to be a fun class. but the down side is, is that while i know some people in there, i don't talk to them alot. so im not sure what that class is gonna be like. then i have forensics....AWESOME!! the teacher is really cool, she is really laidback too. but some of the kids were trying her patience today. we watched a show of CSI. for the CSI junkies, it was when nick was buried alive...she calls it, nick in a box... the real name is something dangerous... i dunno, i just thought that was a funny name. anyways...its late, i gtg.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 03:29:01 GMT

wow, the last time i posted, it wasn't even my own thoughts... im neglecting this page so bad. im sorry jennifer... but really, get a myspace!! MAN! it would be so much easier. and we could talk more. because i hardly ever get on here. then again you haven't posted much of anything to comment on. so i guess its my turn. ahhh, pisgah youth rally was interesting. lots and lots of hot guys... and most of them were in my group for the activity. it was nice. though jennifer wasn't in my group, that sucked. then we went to a nursing home, and all of last year came back. i don't think i have ever told anyone how it was in the end.... i don't think i ever will be able to. its like a dishonor to her memory. she was such a strong and brave person, stubborn, but so very special. elegant, and morally concious (sp?) dignified, but could act like a teenage at the slightest hint of playfulness from another. someone who knew how they should live their lives and tried to abide by all the things God commands.... i was blessed to know her...to live with her every day.... and now im starting to cry... sorry....there is love and pain attached to her memory... pain i caused myself... by how stupid i was...i didn't realize what a precious gift God had given me until it was to late... i have never felt so foolish in my life... she had so much to teach me, but i wouldn't listen.... now i will never get that opportunity... then i hear people say how annoying their grandparents are.. and i think, i was once one o those people...one of those foolish, stubborn people. please, please, don't take your grandparents for granted... or your parents. this isn't somekinda of pity party... this is a rememberance for the wonderful life she had. and how she impacted people.... her nurses, i never knew how much she touched them. some people never had the fortune to meet her, and im deeply sorry for your misfortune. wow, it has taken this long to finally talk about any of this without being stupid about it. i think....well, i think when ever i talked about it with someone i really wasn't thinking about her, i just gave the ordinary response. nothing with and real feeling.... ok, well, later. i really didn't mean to spill my guts...but you never know, maybe this will help someone. its true, God works in mysterious ways.

Come Rescue Me

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 19:46:39 GMT

I long for the mighty hero of legends old.

That noble lord who earns the crown of gold,

that fearless knight upon his great white steed,

that slayer of drangons fresh from valiant deed.

Come rescue me, O hero bold.

Come rescue me ere the night unfold.

I wait for the mighty hero of legends old.

That gallant victor over evil stronghold,

that brave defender of woman and child, that charging conqueror of darkness wild.

Come rescue me, O hero bold.

Come rescue me ere the night unfold.

-Sally John

if only this poem were true to today's modern times! i don't think there is a girl out there that would not love to be swept off her feet!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 19:48:00 GMT

well, school has started, and so far its going good. my classes are really easy except for english. which isn't hard, just challenging. but its good. i have friends in every class now. i didn't at first, but then i made new friends. but whats really creepy about school is, there is a guy there that looks EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend. and i keep looking at him, just because he looks like him. i mean, he isn't cute or anything, jsut creepy. but the bad thing is, is that he catches me looking at him, and i glance at him at least 20 times in the hour and 45 mins i have of that class. well, i did, but not as much. because i think he is getting the wrong idea. so now im making sure that i don't look at him, which is hard, because he is right across from me. but w/e. my art teacher has it out for me. whenever she wants an example of something, she uses my art work....sounds like a good thing right....think again, she uses it as what NOT to do. like this bottle i drew in 9th grade (first thing i ever drew, and it was a still life, so it changed everyday) she just disected it.... not enough shades, bad position, poorly thought out ( i don't get that one, how can u plan out a still life? u draw what u see!!) and on and on!! i felt like the dumbest person alive. and then everyone was looking at me. my friend brandon was trying to make me feel better by kidding me about it. but it didn't help, because after the ART TEACHER saying how horrible it was, the teasing brandon did only pointed out the things she missed.

but my english teacher is cool, he is really funny!! and he makes you think. he is also in my drivers Ed class. there are three teachers in there. and they are all kinda funny. they are all coachs, or have been coachs at one point.

and then my us history teacher is nice, and interesting. sometimes she is a little annoying because she gives to many notes. anyways, im pretty happy with my classes. peace-out!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 02:43:07 GMT

i finally figured out when i am getting paid!! thursday!! but i still have no idea how much. no one seems to understand that i love my job, and it wouldn't really matter how much i get paid!! its good experience, and it helps me see what i would be getting into if i taught as a kindergarten teacher!! it feels good to know that i can handle a bunch of crazy kids!!

lol, i haven't had to change a dirty diaper so far...i think they realize that i would probably suck at that. i have a hard time figuring out which is the front with some of the kids pull ups. and even though this is a part time thing...well, i guess its just a fill in thing, anyways, i might get some more days in to work!! lol, i know what ur thinking, she has got to be crazy to want more work...but im NOT!! i love my job, the kids gave me a few rough first days, but we got it straightened out that im the boss.

and there is this little boy, that doesn't listen to hardly anyone, but he obeys me!! WOW!! i think its because i try to be his friend, but also let him know that he has to listen. the other people just try to keep him from killing himself. but i get him to obey, listen, and participate!! and he is really a sweet kid. he just doesn't like to be bossed around a lot. so i try to give him options. i say, u can come and listen to the story or, sulk in the corner, and not have fun. so i make whatever i want him to do, sound more appealing that what he intends to do.

i know this is probably boring to ya'll, but im proud of myself!! im not good at sports, i get ok grades, i don't really shine at the stuff most kids do. like drama and art and stuff. but this is something im good at. so i guess i get carried away.

lol, a boy told me he loved me...of course he is like four. but its cute. and i get hugs every morning when i come in...the first week (last week) i worked afternoons, but this week i work mornings.. so when i came in monday morning, these kids just about toppled me over cause they all wanted to give me hugs!! it was so CUTE!!

ok ok, im done. just wanted to let u know oh my life is going. peace-out!!

The Room

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 23:06:20 GMT

> > >THE ROOM
>
>
>
> > >17-year-ol d Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for
>a
> > >class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later
> >told
> > >his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing
>I
> > >ever wrote.." It also was the last.
> > >
> > >Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it
> >while
> > >cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School. Brian
> >had
> > >been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece
>of
> >his
> > >life near them-notes from classmates and teachers, his homework.
> > >
> > >Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about
>encountering
> > >Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the
>teen's
> > >life.. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore
> > >realized that their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes
>such
> >an
> > >impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr.
> > >Moore said.
> > >
> > >Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was
> >driving
> > >home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in
> > >Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck
> > >unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocut ed.
> > >
> > >The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family
> > >portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I
> > >think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs.
>Moore
> > >said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's
>vision
> >of
> > >life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know
> >I'll
> > >see him."
> > >Brian's Essay: The Room.
> > >In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the
> >room.
> > >There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered
> >with
> > >small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list
> > >titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files,
> >which
> > >stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either
> >direction,
> > >had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the
>first
> >to
> > >catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it
> >and
> > >began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to
>realize
> > >that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without
>being
> > >told, I knew exactly where I was.
> > >
> > >This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for
> >my
> > >life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small,
> >in a
> > >detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity,
> >coupled
> > >with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
> > >exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a
> > >sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my
>shoulder
> >to
> > >see if anyone was watching.
> > >
> > >A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have
>betrayed."
> > >The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have
> > >Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have
>Laughed
> > >at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've
>yelled
> >at
> > >my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My
> >Anger",
> > >"Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased
> >to
> > >be surprised by the contents.
> > >
> > >Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than
>I
> > >hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.
> >Could
> > >it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these
> > >thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this
>truth.
> > >Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
> > >
> > >When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I
>realized
> >the
> > >files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly,
>and
> > >yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I
>shut
> > >it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast
> >time I
> > >knew that file represented.
> > >
> > >When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run
> >through
> > >my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its
> >size
> > >and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
> > >
> > >I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost
> >animal
> > >rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see
> >these
> > >cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In
> >insane
> > >frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to
>empty
> >it
> > >and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it
>on
> > >the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and
> > >pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to
> >tear
> > >it.
> > >
> > >Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
>Leaning
> >my
> > >forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
> > >
> > >And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel
> >With."
> > >The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I
> > >pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long
> >fell
> > >into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
> > >And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt.
> >They
> > >started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and
> >cried. I
> > >cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of
> >file
> > >shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of
> >this
> > >room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away
>the
> > >tears, I saw Him.
> > >
> > >No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched
>helplessly
> >as
> > >He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to
>watch
> >His
> > >response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face,
>I
> > >saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
> > >
> > >He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to
>read
> > >every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He
> > >looked at me with pity in His eyes But this was a pity that didn't
>anger
> > >me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry
> > >again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so
> >many
> > >things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
> > >
> > >Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one
>end
> >of
> > >the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name
> >over
> > >mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to
> >say
> > >was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on
> >these
> > >cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive.
>The
> > >name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently
> >took
> > >the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I
> >don't
> > >think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next
> >instant
> > >it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
> > >
> > >He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood
> >up,
> > >and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There
>were
> > >still cards to be written.
> > >
> > >"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13
>"For
> > >God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever
>believes
> >in
> > >Him shall not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way
> > >forward it so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My
>"People
> >I
> > >shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?
> > >
> > >IF THERE IS ONE EMAIL THAT I HAVE READ THAT NEEDS TO GO AROUND THE
> >WORLD,
> > >IT IS THIS ONE, FOR THE CHRISTIAN OR NOT! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
> > >
> > >You don't have to share this with anybody, no one will know whether
>you
> >did
> > >or not, but you will know and so will He.