|
no_tellin
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Rachel
Country: United States
State: South Carolina
Metro: Spartanburg
Birthday: 6/6/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: i like to read, thats the main thing. i like to draw, some say im good, but thats mainly my friends and family, and they don't usually tell u the truth on that cause they will have to see u again eventually. i like working with kids. and other normal stuff kids my age like, like hanging out with friends and all that. and of course, the ever popular comment, guys, and more guys.
Expertise: reading, talking, saying the first thing that pops into my head.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  godstalkativegrl
Yahoo:  godstalkativegirl
Member Since:
12/13/2004
|
|
| AH! alright, a friend of mine asked me one day in an email how i was doing. and at first i sent "im fine" back. then i sent ANOTHER email saying i WASN'T fine, and that i didn't like how he was using me. he only emailed, or called when he needed something and i pretty much call him a user. and i told him i was ok with helping him out, cause thats what friends do, but that i didn't appreciate the fact that he only ever talked to me when he needed me. i have had way to many friends over the years that were like that. and i never noticed it until someone pointed it out. so now i have begun to see it for myself. to recognize when im being used. and i was NOT about to willingly let someone use me again. when i really don't think i deserve that kind of treatment. i know everyone gets hurt, everyone gets used, and that sucks. but after i poured my heart out there and told him it really hurt me, i get the crap response. he pretty much acknowledged that i was mad ( oh and this email is sent back to me like 4 WEEKS after i sent him that email (( and he supposedly checks his email EVERY day according to him)) but past acknowledging that i was mad at him, nothing else. he pretty much tried to wait out my anger and hurt. thats really what the email sounded like to me, cause he was like " i hope ur not mad at me anymore" no "im sorry" or "i'll try to be a better friend" NOTHING! just waiting. and then tonight he got online and was talking to me. and i'll admit it, i acted childish and gave him small one or two word responses. and he FINALLY figured out that something was bothering me. and all of the sudden he cares. well i already told him once what was bothering me, and that didn't seem to make a hell of a difference to him. so why bother telling him again. and he cut me out of his life for a YEAR last year because of something someone ELSE did to him. so that just means he can cut me out, no reason why, just bye. and to be honest thats exactly what i want to do to him. but this time, there is no coming back. i cut him out for good. because i look back, and i realized that our WHOLE friendship has been like this. EVERYTHING is about HIM! ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! i don't think i have ever felt this kind of anger towards someone. this kind of hurt. this kind of frustration. EVERYTHING.... wow. it feels good to let it out. and i don't care that people will think im childish. cause to me, enough is ENOUGH! he is sooooo fake! everything that comes out of his mouth is tainted to me now. everything sounds fake, his fake concern, his fake friendship... that one hurts the most. that im nothing but a means to an end for him. jus a way to help him get to where he wants to be in life. maybe never even a real friend to him. whenever we talked in the past, it was about what was going on in his life. the one time, ONE TIME, i share my feelings i get pretty much ignored. this gives me absolutely no hope for the male population. cause it seems like its always guys that do this to me. i mean i do have one girl that i was friends with that did this to me for 12 years, well maybe like 11 or 10. but she moved away and when she comes home now, i don't do anything with her, i don't even really talk to her. i don't talk to her when she isn't home either. i make awful friends... i think i have 3 or 4 friends that...wait, maybe not even that many. where is the road out of this state? this country even maybe.
| | |
| wow, i haven't been on here in a while. but i don't think anyone really uses it besides maybe 2 or 3 people. so i doubt anyone will read this, but thats fine. i just need to talk this out really. ok so, someone i have been friends with since we were kids has moved away to college. and thats fine, life changes and people get older yadda yadda yadda. i use to have a hard time letting people go, but i think i got a little better about it. well, my friend moves away and i knew way before she even left that the chances of us staying in contact were slim to none. so i didn't try calling her alot like the old me would have. (not really a new me either, just a...i guess u could say a little wiser me) and of course with the new state and new school and everything, she didn't call me either. until she came home for break. now i really just wanna make a clean break from this friendship, cause some people have been telling me that this friend is a user. and that its not worth the effort. and i agree now. looking back over the years, i see kinda what they are talking about. don't get me wrong, this girl is a sweet girl, and she is fun too. but she only called me to have something to do over break. and i dodged her at thanksgiving cause i was out of town pretty much the whole time she was home. but christmas is a LONG break, and there is no way i can avoid her then. and its not so much that i want to avoid her, just don't want to get caught back up into a friendship that will end when her break ends. so now i guess i need to decide if i should just tell her how i feel, i spare her feelings and hang out with her while she is here. but does the fact that i might hang out with her and then expect nothing after she goes back to school, well, does that make me a door mat? i don't know what i am going to do, but i do know this, there are other friends coming home too, and i know i will deffinately make time for them. lol, wal-mart will wish they had the light up frozen section when me and jen are done with it...( side note)
| | |
| have you ever looks at the veins of a leaf? i mean really looked...studied the intricate design that is vibrant with life? the astounding colors they change into as seasons come and go? life seems to be like a leaf. ( stop laughing and hear me out). the veins of a leaf are like the different roads you can take in life. each road has a different outcome and a different purpose and sustain life, just like the leaf's veins. those roads lead to the change of season, where we change as people and the leaf changes color. when we are young, we are green with the inexperiences of life that someone our senior has already experienced and hopefully learned from. then as we get older we are figuring out where we fit and our purpose. so many different colors... that red that pops at the prime of your life when the world is just waiting for you to take a small piece and make it your own. you look outside yourself and notice that there are other people out there doing the same thing as you, living a life that is rich with flavor and sights and colors and noises that will ring in your ears the rest of your life, giving you direction to the next chapter in your book of adventure, of triumph, of sorrow, of love, of danger, of highs and lows. then life changes to that yellow that just looks warm and inviting. and life still has those ups and downs, but they are no longer mountains of change and valleys of unknown. they are children and stable jobs. some people's lives quickly turn that brown that soon withers the leafs and cast them to the ground. some people let it happen, others are caught up in things they think are important but in the long run just wear you down and give you something to regret as you look back and realize all the things you missed or that you didn't do but wanted so bad but never had time for. its all in how you view life. you can look at the yellow leaf and see bland color that no longer holds excitement, or you can see what others see...you can see the joys that will come and the sorrows and take them as they come, but then move on with life and start looking for that next surprise that will be a cherished memory that you will look back on with that feeling in your heart that lets you know that the good out weighs the bad. and now every day has something in it that will tickle your funny bone and let you know that the years ahead, while they might not be action pack, might be even better then the red splash of youth. because even in youth, there are challenges. some leafs slowly change to the brown and some just seem to race to the end and fall from the tree just to get crunched under the feet of the next person on their journey. and some turn a coco brown that just lets you know that the time is coming, but that your still enjoying the last few breezes that caress you. and now your children are grown and your with the ones you love most and teaching them what excitement lay ahead for them, giving them squeals of excite with the anticipation of that stage in life.
life should be something you can enjoy, but so many people just want it to go by quickly to get to the next best thing, not noticing the small joys that slip by with only a vague memory left that is quickly dismissed as unimportant. take those small joys and remember them too, because its those small ones that get you along to the big ones and if you remember the small ones, the time between the big and small doesn't seem so far apart and then its easier to get past the sorrows as well, because your buoyed on the memories that make others so much sweeter. God gave the small for a reason, learn to use them to make life as rich and colorful as the changing leafs seem to have mastered...
| | |
| i haven't been on here in a while, and its changed a little. trying to keep up with myspace. now they have facebook to compete with. thats a bummer... anyways, lately i have had the overwhelming urge to just get out of spartanburg!! and i know the reasons. reasons i wish didn't exsist. reasons i can't say. and u know, its not a big deal kinda thing. to me it is, but it won't effect anyone else...well, i take that back it would effect a few people if i left or if i just confronted the reason why i want to get out for a while. but very few. i have more the one reason. i can share a few, cause they don't include anyone. i just want to get out and go somewhere. when my family travels, we go to the same places. TN, or the beach. i want to go to a city. i want to experience a different pace of life. i would love to go to london, or paris, or china! it really doesn't matter. it doesn't have to be far away, it could be to NY, hawaii, texas, washington... just anywhere where life is different. different sites, atmosphere, pace of life, energy... i also want out to kind of educate myself on whats out there, not be so ignorant about how the world works. meet new people. i feel like im stuck in a rut ( i know its a cliche', but its true) at the same time im scared. scared that i will be overwhelmed, scared that what i find will change me, and not for the better. and a little scared that i just might not come back. don't get me wrong. im not some whiny kid wanting to get away from my parents. i love my family, even if we are a little messed up, and fight..lol... no family is perfect. if i left, i would probably want to take someone with me. but who? cause who wants to go on a road trip alone? and when would i go, where would the money come from? if i left after i got out of highschool, then i wouldn't be ready for college ( and i AM going to college!!) this summer is over almost. when i get out of college i would need to immediately get a job, pay off student loans, establish myself. ah, who im i kidding? im gonna go to college get a job, and then just live a normal life. i don't have the means to travel...i don't have the knowledge to know how to even go about getting somewhere and making the most of the visit. hotels, traveling arrangements...sites to see. i dunno what all there is to plan for even...i just needed to vent i guess. well, at least i finally put up a post. even if its pathetic.. : / | | |
| school has started again, and i have realized something. last semester, my english teacher makes us write a journal for everyday. nothing important, just what ever pops into our heads. and i just now realized how much i like that. the difference is, is that the journals are private. but i don't really care if people read this, obviously. but today was interesting. i didn't get my statistics class with two of my friends, instead i got algebra. which i don't really mind, but it still bothered me that they didn't consult me. but thats ok. i was worried about it next year because i would have had to take it, and then i would have been with a bunch of 10th graders. so alls well that ends well. my next class was film lit. and everyone has told me its so easy. well, the guy teaching it did not make it sound to fun, or easy. a lot of writing is what it sounds like to me. but i have my friend michele in there and so im good, we always have a good time. granted we get in trouble for talking, but its still fun. then i have wildlife bio. by the name u would think, boring. but the kids are so funny in there. thats going to be a fun class. but the down side is, is that while i know some people in there, i don't talk to them alot. so im not sure what that class is gonna be like. then i have forensics....AWESOME!! the teacher is really cool, she is really laidback too. but some of the kids were trying her patience today. we watched a show of CSI. for the CSI junkies, it was when nick was buried alive...she calls it, nick in a box... the real name is something dangerous... i dunno, i just thought that was a funny name. anyways...its late, i gtg. | | |
|
|
